I was thinking of ways to start conversations with people like “How are you?” or “I love your shirt!” when Johnny came over to the picnic table and sat down with his new iPhone from Apple.
Conversation starter to avoid #1: Hey, guess what? I dropped my phone out of my bra while I was on the toilet and it fell through my pee stream and into the toilet bowl. It was one of those automatic flushing toilets so I had to sit really still and time it just right so it wouldn’t go down the tube! It’s totally fried now and I have to get it replaced.
The Alternative: Cool phone. Mine got wet and died. How does that one work?
Then I started thinking about all the conversations that have ever gone wrong in my life. Sometimes it is me who started the conversation and other times it is someone else. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out. No posting comments telling on me though!
Conversation starter to avoid #2: Really… So today I went to the bathroom and my poop was green. What gives? Have you ever had green poop before?
This actually started a long conversation about bodily functions and things I never thought I would be talking about to another human being in real life. The best part of this conversation was that we had a great time downing different colors of kool-aid to see if it dyed our poop different colors. It was a lot of fun and lasted about a month. Now why anything dealing with pooping into a toilet and snapping pictures of it when you are done could be considered “fun” is beyond me. But it was. In general, if you find yourself on the topic of the color of your poop with a friend, you’ve missed a few subjects somewhere along the way. Go back and figure out what they are.
In case you are wondering, purple kool-aid will dye your poop green. Also, Mt Dew pitch black does also. You can try it and email me the results. But if you walk up to me in public and start a conversation about it, I’ll pretend to go into convulsions.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #3: Somewhere up there with the color of poop is the scent of your farts. I actually had someone ask me if their farts stunk. Now, if you don’t know whether or not your own farts stink, you shouldn’t be eating broccoli or drinking beer. But you also shouldn’t be allowed to socialize in small closed quarters like a dorm room or a boat. Yes, everyone farts. Yes, the vast majority of them stink, especially the silent ones. No, I don’t want to talk about it- unless it is to warn me to vacate the premises or to avoid the bathroom unless I have a gas mask.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #4: I was at a “nice” dinner when they brought out the asparagus with hollandaise sauce. That night I learned a little tidbit from our socially inept friend who announced “No thank you. Asparagus makes my pee stink!” Normal people would have gasped and gone on… but us? We spent the evening scarfing down hoards of asparagus and waiting our turn to use the commode. Once done, we announced the presence or lack thereof, of any “asparagus odor”. Some did have the odor and some didn’t. I did! I was thrilled! My pee stinks! Thank you! Thank you very much! And now you will never need to bring that up to me in person! You can email those results too.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #5: Oh my! When are you due? For the record… no. I am not pregnant. Nor can I ever be again. I am just really really fat or maybe it’s a beer belly. But anyway, I am not having a kid. And no, God hasn’t worked a miracle on me and made me his chosen one to carry his special child. BUT, if for some reason you think I am a good candidate for immaculate conception, then thank you oh delusional one!
And now, I must go figure out how my phone is doing. We’ve rinsed it and dried it but I don’t think it’s coming back to life. If someone ran me through their pee stream, I think I’d die too.