My workplace is full of rumors. It is like living in a Junior High School only more vicious. I do not need to watch soap operas; the rumors at work are hilarious and entertaining enough. The batch this week has been very interesting to listen to and made me think about when I lived in Tennessee and had a bunch of rumors spread about me. I, apparently, have a very interesting life that I didn’t know about.
According to the rumors there, I am a witch and I cast spells on my residents to make them sleep. If I did, my residents would be asleep all night not up wandering the halls. I also held séances out back behind the nursing home under a full moon and I was searching for virgins. Trust me, if I was searching for virgins, I wouldn’t be looking for them at that place. Some of the rumors were true. Moreover, I sure the hell wouldn’t be holding séances under a full moon! Everyone would be able to see you… it would be under a new moon where it would be dark and harder to see. Common sense, people. Seriously.
The ones here are not as outlandish but they are still hilarious. Did you know I am rich? Me either. However, according to the source, I am rich because of my writing and I do not really need to work. I wish that were true. However, my writing is just a hobby and does not pay much and I am anything but rich. Right now, I have $32 in the bank. If that makes me rich, cool. It is not going very far though.
Then there is the one where I have a lesbian lover. Here name is Nikky. We are secret lesbian lovers. Jealous yet? Don’t be. Nikky is my best friend and like a sister to me. We spend a lot of time together but we are NOT lesbian lovers. I guess it does not help that we go everywhere together and I happen to have open-mouth-insert-foot moments a lot, like the time she did laundry at my house and left some of her clothes behind. We were outside on break one day and I said all enthusiastically, “Hey! You left your thongs at my house!” Oh, I could have died of embarrassment when I realized how that sounded.
This last week we went on a road trip to Washington and stayed in a hotel two nights. Our boss forgot to take her off the schedule. I got a call at 5:30 in the morning from one of our friends saying, “Wake up Nikky! She has to call in. Cindy put her on the schedule.” I hopped out of bed and handed her the phone. When we got back into town, our friend was telling Nikky that they were all sitting outside trying to figure out how to get a hold of Nikky since she wasn’t answering her phone (she turned it down). Ang said “Call Dotchi, have her roll over and smack Nikky in the face.” Thanks guys. Thanks. Love you too.
The rumors that came out this week did not involve Nikky and me this time. Apparently, everyone at work is sleeping with everyone else in various places throughout the town. One guy and his wife went to marriage counseling over it. Another was found making out with someone else at the bar. This is the same person that slept with a gang that came through town and spray painted their logo all over town. It is all confusing to follow but entertaining to hear, especially when you know the truth about some of them.
Where do people come up with this shit? Seriously? Do people sit around at night drinking and concocting stories about fellow coworkers? Where do you do this? I want a stiff drink. I am a writer; I can help create some interesting rumors. However, I will warn you, someone is going to abducted and anally probed.